I have become so scatterbrained with all of this pregnancy and baby business. I can hardly have an intelligent conversation. Of course, it all makes perfect sense in my head. Sometimes I literally just start mumbling because the rest of the thought just isn't making it all the way out. This is hard for someone of many thoughts and a big mouth. "Mommy brain" does exist! Everything about this process has been humbling. Walking around with poop smudges on your clothes because you never thought to pack yourself a spare outfit for the moment when a poop explosion might happen on you. Oh, and having the very loud poop explosion happen right in the middle of the prayer at church... this happened two weeks in a row. Hilarious. Nice knowing you, pride! Giving birth with an audience of 5+ people wasn't exactly what I had pictured in my head. Having your body feel that it has been stretched and broken and is slowly being pieced back together. (that sounded a little more dramatic than I intended!) I look forward to having my sanity back, though I think my lack of sanity was God's plan for helping me get through the last year. :) The lack of sleep is much more fun when you decide to laugh about it and give into the funny personality that results from being loopy. ;) Not to say there weren't those difficult nights that I just sat there nursing her, crying, because my exhaustion just seemed like too much for me to bear. But, God is perfect and much bigger than what I was feeling in that moment. He whispers: "My grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in your weakness" (2 Cor 12:9) and "Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up" (Gal 6:9) The moments did pass and I cherish the memories of those late nights and Sadie cries that made no sense and a difficult adjustment to a new life. I have found that I truly can overcome anything through Christ. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". (Phil 4:13) Verse that we may have heard a thousand times, but it never hurts to be reminded. They've all been fresh on my mind since this new phase of my life, where I find myself desperate for God's word and peace in the midst of all the chaos.
"Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall,
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not not be faint."
I have had a little something on my heart. Actually, a lot of somethings on my heart because I think that's what happens when you have a baby and your heart explodes from joy. It opens up a whole new world. I am constantly in awe and wonder at God and wanting to know more of his ways. As I cradle this precious little one that he has gifted me with, I am overwhelmed by his beauty and creativeness. I want to learn more about this God that can make such beautiful things and touch my heart like no one else. I know that I have only had a taste and I am thirsty for more. I cannot even begin to explain the overwhelming joy that I experienced in hearing Sadie cry for the first time, holding her in my arms. Could this moment really be happening or have I died and gone to heaven? As I ponder other milestones in my life, there is no comparison to that moment. I feel like I experienced a small piece of what God has planned for us one fine day. Oh, but getting there... that was a whole different story! Childbirth is no walk in the park and neither is 30 hours of labor. I plan on sharing the story for you sometime soon... for those who have a strange interest (I am now obsessed) with that whole mystery of an experience called childbirth. Getting back to my point- it felt like the pain would never end, like I was stuck in a maze with no way out. The whole thing felt completely out of my control and it was. I did everything I needed to do to prepare... I walked 2-3 miles almost every day, did 30 minutes of yoga/pelvic exercises every night. I had everything cleaned, organized and packed. But when it came time, I was under God's mercy and finding it within myself to trust his timing and will for my birth experience was not easy. The end finally came and I can say with complete confidence that it was beyond worth it. I would do it a hundred times over again to have this beautiful gift that God has given us. How much greater joy am I to expect when this long, difficult road called life comes to an end? Will the God that could overwhelm my heart like he has with this tiny little one, disappoint me when I'm in his presence? I am absolutely overjoyed and amazed by the thought of it! "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no human mind has conceived the things that God has prepared for those who love him" (1 Cor 2:9) He has stolen my heart and will never lose it. No matter what I might gain or lose in this life, he will always stay the same... I will put my hope in him. Too long did I avoid true relationship with him, transparency in my prayers and the pouring out of my heart. My efforts to hide in the garden were in vain and I was only hurting myself when all he wanted was for me to understand that he knows those dark places and wants to help me to come back to the light of his love, mercy, peace, and hope. Four things that I longed for in my dark, lonely place. He accepts me. Not only does he accept me, he has a plan for me to thrive and to find joy in this life through him, the kind that doesn't compare to anything I could ever find on my own. He is beautiful and worthy of our praise and I'll leave it at that before rambling any further.
I hope that through all of these many words you found just the smallest bit of encouragement. Love from this humble, rambling Mama. :)