A little bit of my heart.

      I think I have a good excuse for the lack of writing... we're going on a year and 4 months, people.  Let's see how long I can go between this one and the next!  It'll be fun!  My tiny little 5 lb 10 oz girl is 9 months old today.  I refuse to believe it.  My heart can't take the love that grows for her everyday!

      I have become so scatterbrained with all of this pregnancy and baby business.  I can hardly have an intelligent conversation.  Of course, it all makes perfect sense in my head.  Sometimes I literally just start mumbling because the rest of the thought just isn't making it all the way out.  This is hard for someone of many thoughts and a big mouth.  "Mommy brain" does exist!  Everything about this process has been humbling.  Walking around with poop smudges on your clothes because you never thought to pack yourself a spare outfit for the moment when a poop explosion might happen on you.  Oh, and having the very loud poop explosion happen right in the middle of the prayer at church... this happened two weeks in a row.  Hilarious.  Nice knowing you, pride!  Giving birth with an audience of 5+ people wasn't exactly what I had pictured in my head.  Having your body feel that it has been stretched and broken and is slowly being pieced back together. (that sounded a little more dramatic than I intended!)  I look forward to having my sanity back, though I think my lack of sanity was God's plan for helping me get through the last year. :)  The lack of sleep is much more fun when you decide to laugh about it and give into the funny personality that results from being loopy. ;)  Not to say there weren't those difficult nights that I just sat there nursing her, crying, because my exhaustion just seemed like too much for me to bear.  But, God is perfect and much bigger than what I was feeling in that moment.  He whispers: "My grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in your weakness" (2 Cor 12:9) and "Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up" (Gal 6:9) The moments did pass and I cherish the memories of those late nights and Sadie cries that made no sense and a difficult adjustment to a new life.  I have found that I truly can overcome anything through Christ.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". (Phil 4:13)  Verse that we may have heard a thousand times, but it never hurts to be reminded.  They've all been fresh on my mind since this new phase of my life, where I find myself desperate for God's word and peace in the midst of all the chaos.

"Even youths grow tired and weary, 

and young men stumble and fall,

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not not be faint."

(Isaiah 40:30-31)

      I have had a little something on my heart. Actually, a lot of somethings on my heart because I think that's what happens when you have a baby and your heart explodes from joy.  It opens up a whole new world.  I am constantly in awe and wonder at God and wanting to know more of his ways.  As I cradle this precious little one that he has gifted me with, I am overwhelmed by his beauty and creativeness. I want to learn more about this God that can make such beautiful things and touch my heart like no one else.  I know that I have only had a taste and I am thirsty for more. I cannot even begin to explain the overwhelming joy that I experienced in hearing Sadie cry for the first time, holding her in my arms.  Could this moment really be happening or have I died and gone to heaven?  As I ponder other milestones in my life, there is no comparison to that moment.  I feel like I experienced a small piece of what God has planned for us one fine day.  Oh, but getting there... that was a whole different story!  Childbirth is no walk in the park and neither is 30 hours of labor.  I plan on sharing the story for you sometime soon... for those who have a strange interest (I am now obsessed) with that whole mystery of an experience called childbirth.  Getting back to my point- it felt like the pain would never end, like I was stuck in a maze with no way out.  The whole thing felt completely out of my control and it was.  I did everything I needed to do to prepare... I walked 2-3 miles almost every day, did 30 minutes of yoga/pelvic exercises every night. I had everything cleaned, organized and packed. But when it came time, I was under God's mercy and finding it within myself to trust his timing and will for my birth experience was not easy.  The end finally came and I can say with complete confidence that it was beyond worth it.  I would do it a hundred times over again to have this beautiful gift that God has given us.  How much greater joy am I to expect when this long, difficult road called life comes to an end?  Will the God that could overwhelm my heart like he has with this tiny little one, disappoint me when I'm in his presence?  I am absolutely overjoyed and amazed by the thought of it!  "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no human mind has conceived the things that God has prepared for those who love him" (1 Cor 2:9)  He has stolen my heart and will never lose it.  No matter what I might gain or lose in this life, he will always stay the same... I will put my hope in him.  Too long did I avoid true relationship with him, transparency in my prayers and the pouring out of my heart.  My efforts to hide in the garden were in vain and I was only hurting myself when all he wanted was for me to understand that he knows those dark places and wants to help me to come back to the light of his love, mercy, peace, and hope.  Four things that I longed for in my dark, lonely place.  He accepts me.  Not only does he accept me, he has a plan for me to thrive and to find joy in this life through him, the kind that doesn't compare to anything I could ever find on my own.  He is beautiful and worthy of our praise and I'll leave it at that before rambling any further.

      I hope that through all of these many words you found just the smallest bit of encouragement.  Love from this humble, rambling Mama. :)

Mother's Day

The day has come and gone for years... everybody coming together to get something for mom, which usually included a bouquet, card and a little something extra. Nonchalantly, we enjoyed getting to go out for dinner and maybe tried to do something around the house that Mom was known for solely getting done. Yesterday was a different story! I appreciate so much the sacrifice my Mom made for me, even from the beginning! (this last month has been far from a piece of cake) I can only imagine there was many a day when she thought we had it in for her. Though we tried to make her life miserable at times, she wholeheartedly gave of herself and met our every need and more. She'll be the first to come out and say... "I've come along way! You should have seen me in the beginning!" Of course some mistakes were made by imperfect people, but I carry only good memories of my mom... in having a heart that wanted to please God in everything that she did and her love for God showed through when she took care of us. She always showed concern for every little thing that might have been bothering me. I am so blessed to have my Mom around especially now as I transition through this new stage of life. Though my physical needs have lessened and I can feed, dress, and take care of my own home... I have moved into, what I feel, is an even more important relationship with my mom! She has become my greatest counselor, emotionally and spiritually, and I feel that it is the most important role she has taken in my life yet. Words cannot express how much I appreciate you, Mom.

I smile as I think about the future.... I have never had more passion in my heart for anything like I have for being a wife and a mom someday. I pray that I can do both after God's own heart. I know that if I don't do it all for God's glory, it will seem trivial and un-fulfilling. I want a heart like Jesus, being the greatest among us, he gave up everything and sacrificed his whole self... physically, emotionally, spiritually to save us who did not deserve it. I pray that I can live by example and that my life could be at least a whisper of the life that Jesus lived. Knowing that motherhood will be anything but glamorous... if I can keep that passion for ultimately serving God with my life aflame in my heart, I have faith that he will get me through.

On a separate note, Jimmy has just been the man of my dreams over the past 2+ years. Though there were fears in getting married, I knew that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He was a gift from God. Of course we've had our struggles, but I knew that when I found the man that I could go through hard things with and come out stronger in the end... he was the right one. He has such a kind heart and thoughtful spirit. Here is the beautiful display I received when I walked out of our room yesterday morning. Isn't he sweet?

I am blessed and so excited about getting closer to being a Mom with each passing day. God, give me the strength to serve like you... in marriage, in motherhood, in life.

Perspective.

It's amazing to me how my perspective can change in a second.

A situation that at one time may have seemed super annoying and inconvenient, suddenly becomes something I wouldn't change for the world. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own life and "problems", I forget the struggles of others. Looking through someone else's eyes usually makes my petty problem seem like nothing and alot of times the problems are actually blessings. So much of the time we have so many complaints about our job, our spouse, our house, our clothes... all things that are a blessing to have in the first place. I shouldn't complain about my home, I should be grateful that I have one. I shouldn't complain about my job, I should look around and notice that they're becoming scarcer and I am blessed. Someone else might rush at the opportunity to serve in the situation that I may be currently whining about.

I'm slowly learning to not get annoyed by the sock that's been left on the floor, but to be thankful that I have the one who dropped it. Because when it's all said and done, I have a husband with a heart of gold who never intentionally did anything to hurt me and in the end, I think I can pick up a million socks and the frustration would never even come close to the love I have for him and the gratitude I feel in my heart for his presence in my life. And if that's my only complaint, I'd say I'm a pretty lucky lady. :)

Three things.

Every year that goes by I hope for more and more clarity in life... the answers to so many questions that I've been waiting to discover. Three things I've found to be true: 1. The only thing that is certain is Jesus Christ... 2. I will never know every answer to every question in this life... 3. No matter how strongly I feel at a certain time about an opinion I have, I will always try to be open minded and realize that I can and probably will eventually change my mind.

Three things I've been trying to learn with little success is: 1. Humility... 2. Trying to resist the urge to judge... 3. Not letting selfish gain and the opinion of others drive my decisions, but love for God and concern for others. Yes, once I learn these things my life will be perfect! What a journey. I've discovered that even my dream of saving the world reeks of selfishness... in the dark corners of my heart is the desire to be praised, looked up to, honored when my life passes on. Why are we so worried about what others think?

Some verses that have humbled me recently:

11"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matthew 5:11,12)

1"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.
2"So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 3But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 5"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. (Matthew 6: 1-8)

11Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? (James 4: 11,12)

I'll be in the garden.

In an effort to support local farmers and just eat healthier... me and Jim made a little trip to the farmer's market. We came across a man selling tomato plants and decided we would also like to start vegetable gardening. So we purchased four different kinds of tomatoes. This became an obsession. By the end of the day, Jim and I had purchased yellow squash, zucchini, cucumber, sweet potatoes, green bell peppers, jalapenos, cilantro, strawberries, GRAPES??? I hope that at least one is "fruitful".

Joel decided the water looked tasty.

Joel: our pride and joy.

I know it might sound ridiculous to say that raising our little puppy has somewhat prepared me for children (though I am currently not expecting), but I do believe it has... at least it's brought me to the realization that I will never be able to fathom the amount of love I will have for my kids. Me and Jim grew up loving dogs... and especially have fallen for Joel. He has grown up so much in the last 6 weeks. I am convinced that God cares for animals as another beautiful part of his incredibly creation. It still amazes me to know that he cares for the lilies in the field and feeds the birds of the air... and loves and provides for me as well! I wish there was more I could do for animals that are still homeless and are written off as "dangerous" when they have never had the opportunity to be trained and loved. In conclusion: I am convinced that dogs go to heaven!!!

Happy.

I am so blessed to have a loving husband, a wonderful family, a cute little puppy, a sweet little home, a voice to praise God, the opportunity to work with my husband and spend lots of time outdoors. I wouldn't have it any other way! I could have finished college... I could have gone to a music conservatory... I could have become a music teacher... there were endless possibilities, some seeming obvious. But that wasn't God's path for me. I am so content to be right here, right now, with Jim... this is home.

I have finally accepted the fact that I should not let others dictate whether or not my situation and the choices I've made can actually allow me to be happy. I AM happy. Jesus could have come as a lawyer, he could have come as a doctor... instead he was a lowly carpenter, lived on the streets, even his friends abandoned him when he needed them the most and he found his identity in his Father and focused on the path he was given. We need to be cautious to not measure success through wordly eye glasses, realizing that my path has been set before me by God and you may just be called to something different. We need to encourage each other to focus on the ultimate goal and not get wrapped up in careers, money, earthly possessions... focus on building strong relationships in Christ and helping each other, helping others, praying for each other, praying for others.

Stop judging and start serving.